Download PDF The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother By Judith Ruskay Rabinor, PhD
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Ebook About Can a mother be both loving and selfish? Caring and thoughtless? Deceitful and devoted? These are the questions that fuel psychologist Dr. Judy Rabinor’s quest to understand her ambivalence toward her mother.While leading a seminar exploring the importance of the mother-daughter relationship, Dr. Judy Rabinor, an eating disorder expert, is blindsided by a memory of a childhood trauma. Realizing how this buried trauma has resonated through her life, she sets off to heal herself. The Girl in the Red Boots weaves together tales from Rabinor’s psychotherapy practice and her life, helping readers understand how painful childhood experiences can linger and leave emotional scars. In the process, Rabinor traces her own journey becoming a wounded healer and ultimately making peace with her mother, and herself.Not a traditional self-help book outlining “steps” to reconcile or forgive one’s mother, The Girl in the Red Boots is a poignant memoir filled with hard-won life lessons, including the fact that it’s never too late to let go of hurts and disappointments and develop compassion for yourself—and even for your mother.Book The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother Review :
Full disclosure: This book made me realize I’m one of a rare breed: a woman who does not have issues with my mother. Yet I read this book with rapt attention and emerged with a greater understanding of myself and of my many friends who do.While the book is organized around Dr. Rabinor’s relationship with her own mother, she skillfully weaves in mother-daughter stories from her own practice as a psychotherapist. She takes us inside her office for real-world examples –not just of disappointments and resentments but of working out better ways to deal with them. Starting with her own fumbling attempts early in her career, she shows us how she as a therapist evolved and learned how to play a constructive role in getting mothers and daughters to listen to one another. I found especially profound her growing realization that helping patients express their anger was not as effective as helping them find ways to calm their hearts and practice gratitude - without ignoring or belittling the pain.Especially useful – for any reader – are her eight “guided imagery” exercises, introducing each chapter. As prompts for your own inner work, she invites readers to imagine different scenarios regarding your mother, secrets, stories, pain, and rituals. This makes the book universal, helping us reframe our familiar life stories and evolve toward a broader perspective.She ends on a note of hope and deeper appreciation for the imperfections inherent in all relationships, especially mothering. This book tweaked my relational optics. Brought dynamics with my own mom into clearer focus.It's an engaging memoir. In it, psychologist Judith Ruskay Rabinor draws from her extensive experience working with moms and daughters who deeply need peace with one another—and who are embroiled in eating disorders. She also taps a lifetime of memories with her own challenging mother.I must say that the author's personal vulnerability, self-awareness, and deep (albeit imperfect) love make this book.Make this book what?Well, they make it wonderful. Rabinor's candid self-disclosure and humility encourage relationship growth. Encourage each reader to exchange her "I love my mother, but . . ." attitude for an honest look at one's own blind spots. Encourage every reader to say this about her mother-daughter relationship (and indeed about all relationships between human beings):"Imperfect love has to be good enough, because imperfect love is all there is."To find peace in that reality.Without inducing guilt over past relationship failures, she challenges readers to examine their own mother-daughter dynamics. To "recognize the longings behind their complaints." By offering her own story, Rabinor gives her readers an example of how to grow in their own self-forgiveness and in empathy for mothers who wounded them. Her account is a courageous, thought provoking look at her story's dark side. But it's also tender and intimate. Heart-softening and soft-handed. Trail-blazing. Compassionate.Compassionate . . . even for Rabinor's mother, who betrayed her family and sometimes gave her daughter terrible, destructive advice.Yes. Even then.Through a multitude of illustrations, the author shows the impact of patient, thoughtful, mutual exploration of these important relationships. But even without mutuality, she reveals how self-knowledge and chosen shifts in perception by daughters toward their mothers can quiet the pain these wounded or broken relationships can cause.Even if the mother doesn't change.Does the book say all mother-daughter relationships can be healed? Or that daughters should dive back into abusive situations?Of course not.But, according to Rabinor, if we daughters can thaw our frozen judgments about our mothers, if we can look at ourselves humbly and acknowledge that we, too, are broken and imperfect—just as they are, if we can banish our victimhood and reinterpret our stories, then we can learn to hold our moms inside of us in a place of acceptance. And, hopefully, our interactions with them will change—whether in real time or in memory—for the better.Easy? No. And change can take a long time. But the outcome? New neural connections in brains changed for the better. Hearts re-opened. Greater wisdom and joy.Maybe even peace with Mother. 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